The kind of girl I like!

The answer to that question in the title is: She doesn't exist!

One question I've received a lot in my life was and still is: Why don't you have a girlfriend? Why aren't you dating someone? When are you going to settle down? Over the years, I've learned to give many different answers. "I haven't really found the one", "no one really excites me enough to wanna date them", "I travel a lot so I don't have time for a girlfriend" etc. and for a really long time, I actually believed these answers I would tell people. It's like anything in life, if you say it enough times over and over, you make it believable.

The truth is, I never really wanted a girlfriend in the first place because that meant something that scared me - 1 word, 3 syllables, 10 letters: COMMITMENT. This is why, at the ripe old age of 30 years old, I have never had a girlfriend. (Ok, there was that 1 time, I dated a girl for 3 weeks when I was 19 but let's be real here, that don't count). That's not to say, I haven't met anyone who I had genuine interest in but for the most part it was the commitment issue.

I also have zero energy and desire to put in the time and effort to meet a quality person. I expect the other person to do 100 percent of the work and if I'm interested maybe I'll hang around for a few days until I lose interest. I'm the kind of guy where if I did get into a relationship and I started losing interest or getting annoyed with the other persons presence, I'd just calmly pick up and walk out of that person's life. I think I've gotten pretty good at emotionally disconnecting from other humans that I don't feel I want to commit my time too.

This is why, my whole life, I've taken the path of least resistance. If I'm in the mood to be with a girl and I know there are options available without trying or by putting in little work, I'll go for that option knowing full well, this is not a good start to finding a meaningful relationship. The joke was, that before I went on Big Brother, the producers asked me what kind of girls I liked and I half-jokingly responded "the ones with low self-esteem". The path of least resistance may be advantageous when it comes to navigating your ship across the English Channel but not in this regard. 

And why be committed? Life was and is so much easier with the carefree, no-restrictions attitude. I wake up when I want, go to sleep when I want, do what I want, say what I want - it's pretty liberating....or is it? 

Let's break things down here:

My whole life I was taught that being religious was the correct way of life and I needed to live by a bunch of rules, do this, don't do this, don't do that. By the time I had left that way of life, I had put a considerable barrier and refused to truly open up to anyone. 

 

That I feel, is issue #1. Issue #2 is where I see myself going within a relationship. My philosophy is: If you're going to do it, do it right! I'm not getting into a relationship for the sake of it. If I'm getting into one, it's because I see a future together. I am always so baffled by people that get into relationships all willy nilly. How is it possible that you met her on Tinder 3 days ago and now you're dating?! I feel like most people I know that are in relationships are in it for 1 of 3 reasons.

1. Scared of being lonely

I get it, being lonely sucks! But you know what - suck it up buttercup! Make friends, listen to music, read books, get a dog or get a new hobby. (I suggest rock-climbing. See video below)! I find these "scared of being lonely" people are incredibly unhappy because they're usually stuck in a relationship they're not happy in but afraid to break up because they're afraid of being lonely....actually who am I to speak, I hate loneliness too and look for intimate connections here and there to satisfy what I need. Also, if they break up they're not sure anyone will like them which brings me to...

2. Validation

Most people are insecure. It's actually quite remarkable how you can tear someone apart emotionally and mentally once you dig and find out what their insecurities are. (If you're good at this kind of twisted behavior then I recommend applying to Big Brother). The insecurities stem from the fact that they'll "never be good enough" so when someone comes along and shows them attention, they jump on it like it's a death-rows prisoners last meal and go crazy for months trying to make it work out even though it was bound to fail from the beginning. And finally...

3. Convenience

I feel like most people are guilty of this one. They're going out, they're not getting laid, along comes some guy/girl who shows interest in them, winter is coming and they don't want to be alone in the cold winter months. They need someone to cuddle with and tell about to their friends so they just get together in a relationship. Other times they meet someone who has the same interests and then they become "best friends" and everything is just so convenient. Sometimes the relationship works but most of the time it doesn't because this is a relationship based on convenience and not on core values. 

(Me, my brothers and my father at my brothers wedding in New York - Sept. 11, 2017).

Issue #3 is an issue with my parents. Let's start off by saying that I love them to pieces. However, being that I grew up in a very religious household, my parents believe that I should only be marrying Jewish. According to Jewish law, if I was to marry a non-Jewish girl and have children, those kids would not be Jewish as the link to Judaism continues through the mother. This puts me in a bit of a conundrum, I don't have anything per se against dating someone Jewish but if we're playing a true numbers game here, odds are I'll be dating a non-Jewish girl 99 out of 100 times. It's because of this that I feel like that little voice at the back of my head will always want to shut down anything serious between me and a non-Jew to keep the peace between me and my parents. 

(Another pic of my family at my brothers wedding in New York, this time with the whole crew).

So where does this leave me? I don't know. Do I need to speak to a therapist about this? Probably. Will I? Probably not. Will I continue to live a confusing life? Definitely. Is there a light at the end of this metaphorical tunnel? I guess so...

Until then, here are some oldie songs I like with no theme in particular.

1. Frank Sinatra - That's Life

I'd love to purchase a record player someday and play this song on vinyl! For now, I'll have to listen to the 2008 remastered version on YouTube.

2. Nat King Cole - L-O-V-E

Ok, good tune but being a bit of a cynic, I'm taking a hard line with the lyrics - I don't think everyone is capable of love. some people just won't find it and that's the way life goes! This song came out when my dad was 3, it would take another 25 years for me to make my presence on this planet. I've never asked but I'm sure he knows this tune. 

3. Dean Martin - Everybody Loves Somebody

My grandfather was 21 years old when this song came out although I doubt he was listening to this, I'd like to imagine him driving his New York city cab with the radio on and this song playing while he was taking his passengers to where they needed to go.

Peace,
Mark D
IG: @themarkdshow 

My journey of straying to the dark side...

June 17, 2010 - the day I flew back to Edmonton with no plan in mind. I was  20 at the time and my dad picked me up from the airport. It was my first time back in Edmonton since 2004 where I had no end goal in mind meaning I had no plans on getting back on a plane to go to religious boarding school. My dad was happy to see me but wasn't too happy to see me wearing jeans. Jeans were always a no-go in the religious world I grew up in as they represented something a dignified person shouldn't wear. I still remember the first pair of jeans I bought, I actually got a adrenaline-high just knowing that I was doing something forbidden and so terrible and purchasing denim. (Random fun fact, my last name "Drelich" in Polish means denim or some fabric related to denim). 

(Picture above: One of the earliest photos of me with jeans, feeling pretty bad ass).

I've always been someone who enjoyed "tasting the forbidden fruit" so here's a list of some of the things I really enjoyed doing once I dropped the religious masquerade and actually started living my life. Next to each one, I'll include a song I like that relates to that specific item.

1. Non-Kosher Food

I grew up in a kosher home which meant only kosher meat, (no pork) and kosher fish (no shrimp or lobster). It'll take a whole other blog post to explain what kosher is, but growing up, I was always temped in the supermarket by what "lay on the other side". One of the first things I enjoyed right when I stopped being religious was Subway when I was 20. My friend and I would go all the time but we'd have to sneak out of the house because while my parents knew that I wasn't religious, the feeling I got was that in their mind I was still religious so I had to play the part to a degree. The first time I had lobster wouldn't come until much later when I was in Newport Beach, CA hanging with my friend. I never really understood the hangup of lobster until I tried it there. the lemon juice and melted butter on the side....I'm salivating as I write this.....ok, let's end on a sweet note.

Warrant - Cherry Pie

(Picture: Me eating lobster for the first time at the age of 25 in Newport Beach - freak en heavenly).

2. Music & TV

Growing up, I wasn't allowed to listen to non-religious music, read non-religious books or watch TV shows. This obviously included listening to the radio which is ironic seeing as this is the career-path I chose.  Anything that could cause my mind to think "impure thoughts" or stray me from the path of holiness was a no-go. Even as a kid, I had a bit of a rebellious streak in me. I would listen to Oilers games (which I wasn't allowed to go to - took a long time for me to get over that) on 630 CHED from a walkman that I had won at an after-school program. I would listen with one headphone in my ear and the other, I would be listening to see if my parents were coming into the room to check up on me while I was "sleeping". I donated that walkman to Value Village 3 months ago. I started watching movies "religiously" when I was in religious school in Baltimore. I saved up a $250 and bought an 80GB iPod Classic from Radio Shack. I then gave my iPod to a friend who had another friend who had movies on his laptop and was able to load up movies for me which I would watch every night before bed. Amongst the movies on that iPod were: The Prestige, Two For The Money and A New York Minute. Yea a very eclectic taste, mind you. When I was younger and living at home, I couldn't do sleepovers at my friends because they watched movies. It got to a point where I would just straight up lie to my parents and assure them that I wouldn't watch movies when I went for sleepovers. Come to think of it now, I lied like hell to my parents as a kid. I lied so freak en much it became second nature. I lied that I had done my daily prayers, I lied that I had done my daily studying. I lied that I only ate the proper food I was supposed to, I lied that I waited the appropriate amount of time between eating meat and drinking milk. I lied that I fasted on days that I was supposed to.....maybe that's where my trust issues stem from? With that being said, here's a song about TV I always like jamming out to:

The Buggles - Video Killed The Radio Star 

(Picture above: Me just a few days ago in my natural habitat at the radio station. The music I wasn't allowed to listen to growing up is now the music I play for other people. How terrible of me)!

3. Shaving

This has always been a weird one for me. The rule in the religious sect I grew up in was - no shaving. Beards grew as is and there was no trimming or touching the beard in any way. I was really annoyed by this because in my teenage years, beards were really itchy and not very in style. It also didn't help that my beard grew in unevenly and wasn't really digging the disheveled homeless vibe. In fact, I used to sneak into the bathroom at school from time to time just to trim my goatee and say I cut my beard which pretty much guaranteed me an all-expenses paid, first class flight to hell for my heinous crime. The first time I properly shaved, I did a terrible job. I used a razor and cream and left stubble all over myself. I decided to leave a bit of a goatee. You're also not supposed to touch your eyebrows but I had a uni-brow by the time I was 15 and had no intention of keeping it that way so I developed this nervous habit of picking my uni-brow so much that even till today the hairs their don't grows as much as they normally used to. My beard doesn't grown evenly now so it's hard to decide if I like it clean shaven or with a bit of stubble. Oh joy! This song has nothing to do with shaving but I like listening to it when I'm shaving.

Umami - Seven Days 

(Picture above: Me at the age of 18 at my friends house, that was about as big as my beard got before I shaved it off...yay)!

4. Saturdays

Saturday is the best day of the week. It's sandwiched right in the middle of the weekend and it's the perfect time to get things done but growing up religious, Saturday was the "day of rest". No electronic usage of any kind. no flipping on or off lights. NO heating up food. No TV (Not that we watched it anyway). You get the idea. I was actually kicked out of school once for watching a movie on my laptop on Saturday. True story! Saturday's revolved around prayer and spending time with family but spending time with family usually meant studying and more prayers with family which sucks! Saturdays became a love/hate thing for me and even till today when I drive to my parents home on Saturday, I park around the block so they don't have to see me pull up in a car on Sabbath.

Elton John - Saturday Nights Alright For Fighting  - You knew, I'd pick this one! I'd actually love to see Elton John live one day. 

(Picture above: I drove all Saturday from Vancouver to Calgary only to get stuck on the highway, driving on Saturday and playing the guitar, how am I going to explain my way out of this one.....yeaaaaa)!

5. Girls 

What's not to like?! As a kid growing up, I had a crush on a certain girl in school just like any other school boy.  (I only started going to an all-boys school in grade 9). It was an obvious no-brainer that I wasn't allowed to talk to girls or associate with girls in any way. The only time I was allowed to talk to girls would be when I was preparing to get married. Glad I got out of that trajectory. Next thing I know, my religious friends are getting married and churning out like 10 babies. (No, joke I'm actually angry typing this right now. to each their own, I guess). When I was in the all-boys school, there were 3 kids that were suspended from the school because they said hello to some girls that were passing by - true story. "Taking care of yourself" to relieve the stress was also forbidden because according to the bible. it's like killing kids. Now come on, what kind of f*cked up twisted sh*t is that?! Why would you even make a bible that's impossible to keep in the first place. I don't care how holy your rabbi/priest is. every guy in the world INCLUDING your rabbi/priest is taking care of business, it's how the world operates. When I was in Baltimore, I wasn't allowed to hang out with my female cousin, when I visited New York, I wasn't allowed to stay over at my cousins place if my female cousins were there.  I wasn't allowed to stay in synagogue after prayers for the meal because girls were there and I might mingle with them when I eat, the list goes on and on. When I finally dropped religion, I started hanging out with girls through friends although I had absolutely no idea what to say or how to talk to girls. It was almost like I was doing something wrong and I'd have to look both ways to make sure no one was looking. Girls were the forbidden fruit and if you watched me on the live feeds on Big Brother, you know how much I like fruit. 

We'll have to go into another post about my first kiss.....In the meanwhile, here's an absolute barn burner of a tune.

The 1975 - Girls 

(Picture above: one of the earliest pictures of me hanging out with girls, whoaaaa)!

I'll catch you next week, hopefully it'll be a more positive blog.

Cheers!
Mark D
IG: TheMarkDShow